Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland explains Montana's unique primary process, in which the state's delegates are awarded to the winner of a no-holds-barred street fight.

The office of the Surgeon General holds a live press conference to explain that no one has ever gotten cancer from just bumming a couple cigarettes at a party.

Always use protection when you're screwing yourself.

100% of male experts agree: nobody knows more about women's issues like birth control than late-middle-aged men and the Republican party is well aware.

The United Nations now offers your home the same security that countries have enjoyed for years. If your house is broken into, they will send unarmed observers to watch the burglars and then spend months debating the appropriate nonbinding resolution.

After another bite of sour fish, Doc struggles to hold down the Jeremy Lin trade, Derrick Rose in a gurney, and the wusses on the Mariners.

Uncle Andy shares some tips.

In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.

The little players turn their attention to talk shows, sending up the queens of daytime.

Abraca-orgasm.