Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland explains Montana's unique primary process, in which the state's delegates are awarded to the winner of a no-holds-barred street fight.
The office of the Surgeon General holds a live press conference to explain that no one has ever gotten cancer from just bumming a couple cigarettes at a party.
Always use protection when you're screwing yourself.
The United Nations now offers your home the same security that countries have enjoyed for years. If your house is broken into, they will send unarmed observers to watch the burglars and then spend months debating the appropriate nonbinding resolution.